let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
