it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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