piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
