I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
