life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
