how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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