i think my tv is drunk
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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