And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
