On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
