I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
