I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
