I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
