you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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