you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
