I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
