I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
