I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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