im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
