I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
