I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
