it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
