After last night, I could never be a politician.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
