so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
