and you said cock pushups were impossible
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
