Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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