she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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