nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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