So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
