you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
time to smoke my breakfast
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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