i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
