I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
