Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
