I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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