Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
