How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
