What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
