Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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