I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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