ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
