woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is my gift to your gina
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
