I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
