you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
