I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
