Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
