I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
