Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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