Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
