im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
