My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
