Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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