Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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