My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
