I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I deserve this hangover.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
