I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
