so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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